Wow, damn. It’s been awhile. I think mostly because I’ve come to realize that this is really just a digitized journal that I don’t really intend to use for entertaining or being clever. It’s for dealing with my own shit. If it weren’t for hand cramps, this writing would probably end up in a notebook somewhere—alas, I am that lazy.
I’m posting for the first time in three months for a lot of reasons. Long story short: my grandma died last Thursday. Though she was in the hospital for a very long time—and we were told it would be the end of her life—the pain of her actual death stings all the same. I haven’t really told anyone about her death aside from those who needed to know: bosses to excuse me from work, teachers whose classes I’ll be missing, and my boyfriend. Honestly, I really don’t want anyone else to know (so if someone that knows me in real life actually reads this, please pretend not to know ha). Amongst others I can take my mind off things like this. Tomorrow, what would have been her 77th birthday, is her funeral. Understandably, I’ve been on an emotional roller-coaster this last week.
Driving home today, I couldn’t stop thinking about time spent with my grandparents who are now both deceased. Watching my grandfather die about five years ago was very difficult for me, and I thought I wouldn’t feel that kind of devastation every again. I was very, very wrong. It almost weirds me out knowing that a chunk of my life, a huge part of my childhood, is just gone. I always say that I am an only child raised by a single mother but in reality my grandparents had a huge hand in raising me. In remembering my grandmother today, there was was just one memory that kept replaying in my mind. Many times I stayed at my grandparents’ house while my mom worked or needed a break, and in their bathroom they had an amazing, huge jacuzzi tub. Being a kid and a mommy-proclaimed waterbug I often played in the tub as if it was my own private swimming pool. One day I decided to test how long I could hold my breath underwater while my grandma had stuff to get done. Just by coincidence, she happened to check on me while I was testing my breath-holding abilities—I was basically floating motionlessly in their huge tub. My ears were underwater so I had no idea she’d walked into the room. I can’t even imagine her reaction to seeing her granddaughter’s limp body floating in her bath tub, but when she came over and touched my shoulder, I popped right up. I scared the bejesus out of that woman. And it was hilarious. It still is hilarious probably a decade later.
Remembering that one insignificant day this many years later brought on a landslide of other memories, a lot which involve me scaring my grandmother accidentally. I’m very lucky to have had grandparents to help raise me and, of course, spoil me rotten. I’m sad though that my childhood in Punta Gorda is only a memory. My elementary school was torn down, my house has been remodeled, my grandparents are gone. I haven’t quite figured out how to deal with this realization yet, but I’m working on it. Going through this has opened my eyes up to the people I want around me. You know, being in the worst of moods, an emotional wreck with no energy to play nice, I really know who I want around and who I would rather do without. I really am thankful to have Nick around to keep me together. All Thursday I thought I was fine; I did everything like normal and went to sleep like it was any other day. Come 5 o’ clock in the morning though, I was just awake. Anyone who knows me understands I can and want to sleep as much as a I can. But I was awake and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I wasn’t even crying loudly but immediately Nick was there, hugging me, and telling me it was going to be okay. That is the kind of person I need to keep in my life. I could make a giant list of people I now know not to cement into my life but why waste my energy.
This emotional roller-coaster hasn’t yet stopped but I have to wake up at 7 a.m. tomorrow and that’s going to suck.
